My goals have changed significantly. I used to want an unhealthy level of thinness, and I worked to achieve that by engaging in an unhealthy amount of training. I was orthorexic (more on that later). My Eating Disorder battles are a part of makes me who I am, but they are only a small part.
As I moved away from the goal of extreme thinness, I began gaining weight and building muscle. It's been wonderful at times. I am strong, vibrant, alert, healthy. It's been really hard at times. I don't wear a 00, I can't wear kids clothes anymore and that makes me feel big in a way I don't like. My goals are different now, I want to be confident, happy, healthy, proud — and some days I am THERE.
Weightloss in a healthy and sustainable manner, not a BQ marathon finish, not crash dieting for a social event, not restrictive undereating and social anxiety, weightloss that gets me to my desired body fat, is my goal. If I have to eat 900 calories and cut all carbs to get there, it's not happening.
This past year has been a huge one for my recovery. I've worked with amazing therapists, trainers and doctors and come a long way. I've also gained about 12lbs and I'm at a place where I realize that I want to lose weight and I would like to try to do it in a self-loving way, not a self-hating way.
I used this blog for training and life-sharing once and it feels right to do it again.